hellbound

I woke up this morning with that strong urge to smoke. Shit talaga. Umagang-umaga Gudang agad. Ughh. This is not good. But shempre, I could not because my mom still hasn't left the house kanina. So I was super walking around, jumping up and down, shaking my hands... just to get rid of that sucky feeling. Yeah, I'm stressed-depressed again. Ughh. What's pathetic about it is that I'm like tinotopak na naman that nobody gives a damn about stuff that matters to me. I wasn't really hungry this morning but I ate (or should I say played with my food) a little just to distract myself from that urge to yosi. Girl, it really sucks. When I finally was alone na, ughh, I swear, I never felt satisfied in my life. Part of me parang felt like crying. Another part felt like screaming. Ang gulo-gulo. My life is such a mess. And I know it's not right that I resort to self-destruction and all just to keep my mind off the shit I'm going through. But that's how it is with me now eh. A couple of years back, I had crying spells. YEs, I used to cry a lot (and at odd intervals at that). Cute daw. Pucha. Remember the days, Ian? haha. Pero for someone who's experiencing all the emotional crap first-hand, it's not cute, I swear. Well, I guess I'm over and done with that phase already. May bago na naman. Just this January, the school required me counselling shit. Like I was really scheduled 3 hours every Wednesday. Kamusta naman. Well, I'm telling you guys, its all bull. I came up with alibis and all just to skip that. At times, nakakalusot. Pero I think, my walls are stronger than the great wall of China. Like duh. Their attempts to get into my mind is unsuccessful. I don't know. Kasi naman, why would I tell personal shit stories to someone na i barely know. Ughh. I don't know. Right now, I'm thinking, maybe they're right. Maybe I really need "help". Ughh. Ayoko muna isipin. Anyways, this burden will only last for a couple of months anyway. But something tells me that it's here to stay (or haunt me) for the rest of my life. Ughh. What am I saying? I swear, I'm being consumed up by school, home, people...that one thing... and everything. Ughh. I don't like this. I hope tomorrow, when I wake up, wala ng urge to yosi. I hope tomorrow when I wake up, I'm back to my usual perky self. I need a yosi now...